frustrating music issues
so theres this issue i've had for a bit. it's related to a lot of different strands. impostor syndrome. desire to make better, always. desire to be like the music i listen to. desire to stop passively soaking in music and instead MAKE something.
that and the constant nagging background hum of thoughts similar to "god, i'm not proud of this." it's really bad. like i've been going through such a large crisis recently relating to a lot of different aspects of my creative anything. art as a slight side hobby was fixed by me just accepting that i'll never make anything to how i want it in my head. i just doodle and it turns out nice. i think not caring as much has fixed art for me. like i realistically just doodle.
writing... i always feel like im running with my shins sunk in water. especially with my fucking pinterest getting suspended and me losing so much of my fucking writing advice. god. God. God i'm so fucking upset about that. all those pins. GONE. piece of shit service.
writing is a constant one i harp on myself really badly still. i understand the sentiment that it'll never look like how you want it to in your head, that's impossible. cuz it's constantly changing. being influenced by so many different things you consume or have consumed. but i so desperately want it to be exactly 1:1 in my head. but i'm realizing that i'm losing grasp of the rope. i used to intensely rely on myself to be able to figure out what's what. but now since i'm realizing that my writing is actually way simpler than i make it out to be and that i should actually start properly planning shit...ugh. i don't know. that's a issue i'll have to take up later.
music however has been a really big one as of recent, specifically in the realm of impostor syndrome. i feel like i can do better. i feel like i'm lazily outputting bullshit. i can feel myself giving up on songs and just taking the shortcuts. i can feel myself losing it. i have no idea why. it's not that i'm afraid of putting in effort. i just...i feel as if what i'm trying to do anymore is falling through my fingers.
there are certain genres i really like. postpunk, postrock, new wave, indie, nu-metal, shoegaze, midwest emo. all of those and everything that branches off of those i've been obsessed with. it really feels like, me, yknow? however i'm realizing that i genuinely can not fucking replicate anything of that manner in a midi workplace. which, is fine. that doesn't bother me too much.
if i had a guitar
and i'm self-aware. i know that ever since i tried joining jazz band that one year i've always had a thing for the bass guitar. i've always liked basslines. i've always been...infatuated with the bass. the way it can carry a stagnant melody or chords through diverse moods and feelings really fucking sticks with me. i love a good bass. but i dont have a guitar. and i don't know how to learn. even though i want to.
i mean, i figure i can learn somehow. i'm surrounded by bass players. my friend matt. my friend june. but i feel like i'm stealing their role in my life. i tried joining jazz band and i was told that not enough people signed up so it wont exist. and then it turned out that it did exist. and i found out way, way later that june was infact the main bassist. i love her, but god. god that hurt. i get it was unreasonable for me to join anyhow because learning an instrument for the first time and trying to wedge myself into a band because i really want to do something music related is kind of selfish but cmon. really? groan. i also really wanted to learn tenor sax but its such a loud instrument. hell no. god i felt so sick and embarrassed trying to learn it. i also tried piano and granted i think i was heading somewhere but i got really bad wrist pain and i think that's entirely because i might've had my hands postured the wrong way or i didn't do my hand exercises. i did also get a sore on my hands from trying the bass. but the bass is the one. i won't give up on it. i have to be like mae borowski. she's literally my saint.
rolling over back to the main topic i have been achingly trying to create any one of my favorite genres made by guitar without a guitar and god it's so hard. what am i not fucking getting!? is it just my daw? surely not it can't be my fucking daw. i just haven't learned something. i just. god it's so hard. i feel like crying my eyes out and breaking my knuckles into the wall every time i cant do what i want to do. i fucking hate being limited. i hate not knowing. i hate not having someone to help me. i understand the fact that i've learned everything by myself is inspiring to some but god i fucking hate it. i dont WANT to learn everything by myself i want someone to hold my hand and help me because i have zero motivation or anything if i cant do something with someone else. i'm naturally codependent but also independent. im willign to do anything with or for another person. but i just cant. nobody can help me. and i hate talking to people. i feel like such a burden and it's rotting me away because i just hate learning things digitally too. even though i make digital music i just want someone to sit down with me and teach me how to play the bass or how to do fucking anything i wish i could do. god